Decoded Science is here with Professor Sir Cedric Phentingmost of the British Institute of Myladesh. He holds doctorate degrees in philolology, philanthropy, cantankerosity, thermogynomics, internal combustion, and pastology.
Decoded Science: Professor, I don’t recognize some of these degrees. For example, what is philolology?
Professor: The study of people named Phil. Some of them are very important in science. My mechanic is named Phil.
Decoded Science: What about pastology?
Professor: Study of the past, of course.
Decoded Science: And what is thermogynomics?
Professor: Very complicated stuff. I couldn’t explain it to a layman.
Decoded Science: All right. How long did it take you to acquire all these degrees?
Professor: About a month.
Decoded Science: How is that possible?
Professor: Accelerated online courses.
Decoded Science: From the British Institute of Myladesh.
Decoded Science: Does anyone recognize degrees from this Institute?
Professor: Yes. My wife and children. Also Chevron, Exxon, BP, Shell, Conoco. Important people like that.
Decoded Science: All right. Now the recent observation that shows atmospheric carbon dioxide above 400 parts per million for the first time in modern history was made from Mount Mauna Loa in Hawaii. You claim your studies show that there is no such place as Mount Mauna Loa, is that right?
Decoded Science: And how did you determine that?
Professor: I flew to Hawaii with a good pair of binoculars and I couldn’t see any mountain 4,000 meters high.
Decoded Science: How close did you get?
Professor: I made the observations very exactingly and precisely from the airport in Honolulu.
Decoded Science: But it’s a hundred and ninety-six miles from Honolulu to Mauna Loa.
Professor: Such a big mountain, you should be able to see it. I made meticulous calculations. Triangulated and all that. I have degrees, you know.
Decoded Science: All right, Professor, do you mind telling us who funds your research.
Professor: Not at all. I have a large and diverse number of grants.
Decoded Science: From whom?
Professor: Chevron, Exxon, Shell, BP, and Conoco.
Decoded Science: But those are all large oil companies.
Professor: So what. They dig in different places — all over the world.
Decoded Science: But they are all involved in production of fossil fuels, the burning of which increases atmospheric carbon dioxide. Don’t you think they have a vested interest?
Professor: Nobody wears a vest any more.
Decoded Science: Well, let’s discuss the production of carbon dioxide by automobiles. Everyone agrees that to produce energy to move the car, there has to be some exhaust, which includes carbon dioxide.
Professor: That is not correct. According to my research, cars actually consume carbon dioxide to create the orderly movement of the vehicle.
Decoded Science: But according to the second law of thermodynamics, entropy — a measure of disorder — always increases.
Professor: Don’t be ridiculous. I grant you that the state of my son’s bedroom is a point in your favor, but how do you explain an airplane, an excellent meal, or the perfect order of a nicely attired woman?
Decoded Science: All right, Professor, let’s move on. You claim that far from moving towards a warmer climate, the earth is actually rapidly heading for a new ice age.
Professor: Yes, I did extensive research on temperature records, and I have found that all the people who read the thermometers are drunkards.
Decoded Science: A lot of the data is recorded by automated equipment.
Professor: Who would you rather believe, me or a machine? How many degrees does the machine have?
Decoded Science: Professor, how do you explain the fact that your research is at odds with virtually every study conducted by thousands of qualified scientists?
Professor: They’re all paid off.
Decoded Science: Well, thank you, Professor, for this interview. Is there anything else you would like to add?
Professor: Yes. You know those little seeds they put on a bulkie roll? I don’t like them. Do you know a place that has bulkie rolls without those seeds? I’m dying for a corned beef sandwich on a roll without seeds.
Decoded Science: We’ll ask around.